I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
