1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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