Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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