I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
