nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I am spending my child support on dildos
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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