isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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