I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
