Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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