Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Jerry, you need to find god
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
