btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
