I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
why do cheetos always look like penises
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
