Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
