i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
