So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
it's like iHOP with fire
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
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