her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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