your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
