I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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