So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
