o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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