I just saw a hot homeless man
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I can't put those talents on a resume
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
