I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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