Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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