I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
