Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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