woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
