did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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