escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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