White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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