i think my tv is drunk
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
