babies were throwing up all over the place
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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