I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
