Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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