You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
