Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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