I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
