The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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