If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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