he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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