I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
