I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
