Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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