I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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