I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
