and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
