remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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