life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
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