Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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