just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
