Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
