I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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