Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
